Telling it like it is, Mik Scarlet talks sex – how to enjoy it more, his tips and tricks, and why disabled people can make fantastic lovers.
Let’s face it, we don’t live in a society that thinks of disability as sexy. Most able-bodied people think that having a disability equals an end to sexiness, and in a way it is. When I found myself facing a life in a wheelchair after my spine collapsed when I was 16, I could not see how I was going to form sexual relationships.
Due to nerve damage I was not only left with legs that didn’t work anymore, but I also had to face my future with sexy bits that, while they still had full feeling, had no motor function. Put simply, I was left looking forward to a future where Mr. Wobbly stayed wobbly all the time.
I considered trying to forge relationships with men, but found being very heterosexual got in the way of that – I still have no idea how you girls put up with stubble on a bloke’s face, and I won’t even mention the taste of a cock… yuck! So with a heavy heart I got used to the idea that I was to face a future alone.
You see I had brought into the myth that sex is all about erections and penetration. Luckily for me, this was back in the early 80s. Thanks to the whole New Romantic fashion (of which I was a HUGE fan) it was a time when young people questioned all of the sexual stereotypes. Most of my friends turned out to be gay or lesbian, and through their friendships I learned the truth about sex.
The main reason for sex, now we have evolved beyond shagging to reproduce, is pleasure. Whether it’s in a loving relationship or between ships that pass in the night, great sex should leave you sweaty, knackered, fulfilled and very happy.
All of my lesbian friends made me an honorary lesbian, once they learned I could have no part in the penetrative act (it was a different time folks – lesbianism was a very political life choice, and all penetration was considered rape). With their help I began to see myself as a sexual being, and even ended going out with one of them for two years.
I also read every sex manual I could lay my hands on. In fact I read all manner of books that I thought might be useful if I was going to be able to please any future partners. I even went as far as to read a S.S. torture manual for the WW2, just in case I ever ended up naked with a masochist. On retrospect it hasn’t ever helped my sex life, but it did completely freak me out at the time!
Well now you know why I think I am in a position to give you, lovely reader, advice on sex. I promise you, if you try out some of these tips, you will end up having a great time…
Tip 1: open your mind (part1)
The major sex organ that we possess is our mind. Fantasy and imagination can make sex so much more rewarding. So forget any hang-ups you might have, ignore any baggage you might have from your up bringing (either from religion, parents or bad experience) and most of all, never feel guilty.
Tip 2: you’re only making it harder on yourself!
Penetration can be a prison for sexuality. Yes it can be fantastic, but getting too hung up on the ‘old in-out’ can lead to a very unfulfilling sex life. While some women can only reach orgasm through being filled up, most find themselves getting there thanks to the most perfect organ, the clitoris.
But every girl’s ‘love button’ is different. Some like gentle stimulation, some enjoy a more aggressive and direct approach, and others change their tastes like the wind changes direction. There is no right way to give the clit the attention it needs and deserves, so experimentation is the only way forward.
When ‘giving’ to your partner, use your imagination and try everything. Watch the response. If it seems favourable, change what you are doing slightly and see how the response changes. More favourable – carry on, less favourable – try something else, or go back to what you were doing before.
When ‘receiving’, please, please, please talk to your partner. Tell them what you like, and if you don’t know, let them experiment. Say “oh yes!” when they are getting it right and “oh no!” when they aren’t. But be gentle with them – nothing ruins your confidence like a partner knocking your technique. You could even try making it part of your role playing – being ‘the boss’ or playing ‘the virgin.’ If it works don’t knock it!
Tip 3: open your mind (part2)
Role-playing and fantasy brings me to my best tip. I call it Hands Free Masturbation. In short, this is a tip that once you’ve worked out how to do it, will make sex a whole new ball game (if you’ll excuse the pun).
To learn HFM you need to make yourself a gap in your day, preferably just before going to sleep. Lay yourself down, and basically think the sexiest, dirtiest thoughts you can imagine. It doesn’t matter what you think of, as long as it hits your spot.
Remember to forget guilt, and just go wild. Now hopefully this will get you turned on nicely. When you feel your body starting to respond to what’s happening in your head, DO NOT TOUCH YOURSELF!
Instead make your fantasies go even wilder. Really let yourself go. At the same time start focusing on the ‘nice’ feelings that will hopefully be getting more and more intense as you fantasise. For the first few times you might need to touch yourself, but only give in if you really have to. If you keep resisting the urge, you will find yourself orgasming just through the power of your imagination.
This fantastic skill can help in many ways. It can be used to ensure you cum together, to make any sex that extra bit special, and lets you wank anytime, anywhere.
Tip 4: the real head fuck
The best part of learning HFM (hands free mastibation) is that you can then use the technique to make other parts of your body as responsive as your genitals. It is something I teach to disabled people who have lost sensation in their sexy bits. It means they can start to really enjoy sex on an equal footing with their partners. What it means to you able-bodied shaggers is the ability to make any part of your body a ‘love button’.
All you have to do is when you are trying a bit of HFM move your focus from your groin (where the ‘nice’ feelings tend to start) to another part of your body. I would advise you to start with your nipples. They are already an erogenous zone, and so it easier to focus the sexy feeling to them. But any part of your body that you enjoy having touched will do. Try to push yourself over the edge without focusing on your groin. If you need to touch the part of your body you are focusing on, just to make the sensation more intense.
Now you can go wild and cover your body in ‘love buttons’. I even advised a guy who was a tetraplegic (broke his neck – think of Christopher Reeve) so he could turn the end of his nose into his orgasmic zone. Just imagine how much it made having a cold.
Tip 5: never say never
All of my other tips involve some effort on your part. I have used them all to great effect, and I have taught them to others to equal effect.
However, the best thing that I have learned on my way to becoming the sexually confident disabled person I am today, is never be afraid to try something. In fact, it’s more than that. In the words of Diane, my wife and the love of my life: “If you try something and you don’t like it, try it again just to make sure!”
So, there you go kind reader. Give my tips a go, and see what happens. I mean what’s the worst thing that can happen?
Oh and one more thing before I go. If you ever want to try a bit of bondage, try using a wheelchair. They are covered in fixing points, and it means you can wheel your ‘captive’ all over the house. Not that I’d know of course… tee hee!!!!!
If you need any further advice or would like me to talk at an event on the subject of sex and disability drop me a line via web@mikscarlet.co.uk, or tweet at me @MikScarlet.
Now get off the computer and start practising….
By Mik Scarlet
Check out…
• Dating confessions of a 20-something disabled guy
• Book review: Desires Reborn
• Is it OK for disabled people to visit an escort?
Let’s talk sex! We want to hear about your experiences so we can break the taboo of talking about disability and sex. So get in touch by messaging us on Facebook, tweeting us @DHorizons, emailing us at editor@disabilityhorizons.com or leaving your comments below.
