In our new series on disability, sex and relationships… our expert and resident agony aunt Tuppy (who runs Outsiders – a private club for disabled people looking for a relationship) answers your questions. This week, dating…
Dear Aunty Tuppy
I am a wheelchair user living in a remote area and cannot find a girlfriend. To be honest, even if I met someone I liked, I would not know how to approach her as I’ve led a sheltered life. Any clues would be useful.
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You might consider moving to a city where there are hundreds of single women hoping to find a husband, like London! On the other hand, if you are a country boy, you probably want a country girl. Some girls in big cities are dying to get out and enjoy a life in the countryside.
You need to get into online dating. Outsiders is a safe and secure site — others may attract predators so just be careful. Read our article for advice on how to enjoy online dating and do not let it get you down — it can be an upsetting experience as people will dump you without explanation, and they are not always polite.
Now you need to learn to ask a girl out successfully. A colleague of mine, who has an impairment that makes him unable to move, gave me this fabulous advice:
Finding a lover/partner is all about maximising circumstance:
- make them laugh
- be very polite, and
- figure out what they want and give it to them.
A wheelchair does not come into the equation.
Few girls say they want someone to climb Everest with them.
Usually, they want respect, appreciation, someone to listen,
but overall the best aphrodisiac is laughter.
Make her/him feel like the centre of the universe.
You do need confidence and this is acquired through practice. Practice on a friend. Build up confidence by working on something you are really interested in and achieving success. Also try drama, or any activity you fancy.
As you gain confidence, be sure to express your personality through your appearance. Women often say we like men who dress well, with flair, wearing clothes which feel soft and cosy. Be certain you have fresh breath, a decent hair cut and wear spotless clothing.
Take pride in yourself and learn to love yourself because, until you love yourself, how can you expect anyone else to love you?
It’s not a bad idea to spend some time with a professional who can teach you what pleasures your body is capable of enjoying and also show you how to please a woman sexually. This will give you sexual confidence. Such professionals have their profiles on the TLC-Trust website.
Good luck and let me know when you find Miss Right – you’ll feel the chemistry. And remember this: chemistry does not discriminate against disabled people!
By Tuppy Owens