In our series on disability, sex and relationships, expert and resident agony aunt Tuppy (who runs Outsiders – a private club for disabled people looking for a relationship) answers your questions. This week, a disabled man seeks advice on pleasuring women.
I am dying to feel a woman’s body next to me as I have never had that joy, and worry because I cannot move my limbs I won’t be able to touch her to give her pleasure. I wonder if there is any hope for me?
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Yes, there is hope! Women’s bodies are warm and soft and inside them is really hot! You must experience that and I hope what I say enables you to achieve your dream.
You need to find your own individual way to make women want to be close to you and enjoy sexual pleasure with you. There are many ways to make yourself irresistible!
Best not pick a woman who cannot move her limbs either, if you can help it, as that would prove really tricky!
Presumably you can lick and use your lips, so you can be an expert kisser and oral pleasurer. Kissing can be really one of the best sexual pleasures. Lips feel wonderful when touching someone else’s, soft and sensual. When she is ready, you will find your mouths opening and you can enjoy playing your tongues together inside each other’s mouths. Be sensual and creative. Being inside someone else’s mouth feels really intimate (like being inside her). Ensure your breath is always fresh.
I found this wonderful anonymous quote online, ‘The light suction, the flick of the lip, the playful nibble, the deep advance and retreat of the tongue — a good kiss is like jazz, an improvisation of melodies, flirtatious staccatos, and passionate brassy crescendos. A good kiss is a rapport enacted physically, like sex, but more erotic.’
Sucking pussy – well you have to play it by ear, as each woman is different, we need a different amount of pressure but start with simply licking her clitoris and invite her to tell you what to do next. It can be helpful to watch her masturbate but give her little surprises as well.
There are many techniques and women like to feel new sensations on their vulva. Nuzzle your lips around and take long licks from the front of her vagina to the front of her clitoris. Invite her to take your hands up to her nipples while you suck and lick away. Once she feels she is coming, she won’t want you to stop.
Presumably you can also speak? If you can make her laugh, you are half way there. You can tell her all the things you would like to do with her, and that she is at liberty to move your arms and legs to pleasure herself in any way she wants.
You need to find your own style of speaking about sex to a woman, and some men like to appear and behave dominant, some like to appear sweet and gentle and others submissive, etc. I don’t think you can just act these, you have to feel them in your bones, but many people are doms, subs, or sweet & gentle. There are quizzes and info online to learn more.
Whichever, find a cute way to ask for what you want to happen. Invite her to perform masturbation in front of you, and that she move your arms and legs for you to enjoy mutual pleasures.
A lot of disabled men (and other men) tell me they clam up when it comes to talking to girls, often when they have been to an all-boys school. Practice makes perfect so chat to girls you know, even if it’s your sister, and get used to asking what they like in men (if they like men) and stuff; you will see how easy we are to talk to really!
Others complain that women make friends with disabled men because they are ‘safe’! They use disabled men as a shoulder to cry on when things go wrong with their relationships with other men. This is really annoying and I suggest that, if this happens to you, you just tell her you are happy to give her what the other sod is depriving her of!!
Confidence is another problem that many disabled people complain about, especially sexual confidence. Outsiders has a group of specialists who support disabled people with their confidence. You will find them on the menu bar under ‘Partners’ or ‘Confidence’ on the Outsiders website. We have are a wide range of different practitioners. A new one is Improvised Comedy (Impro), a comedic way of acting, performing and even dancing without a script. It can give people with disabilities a chance to express themselves through different media and gain confidence along the way. It provides new tools for self-expression while creatively interacting with different and new people. This takes place in London. What we do not list are all the sex workers who provide sexual confidence to their clients, but they can be found on our other website TLC Trust.
Non-commercial sex has to be a mixture of give and take, so ensure you give plenty. Say lovely things to the women you find, admiring the way she looks and things she does. Make her feel like the centre of the universe. Ask her what she would really want, and make it happen for her. I am not talking about expensive things but simple things like a trip to the seaside or a cuddle in the cinema. Remember, listen to her and take her seriously – few men do!
Engage in discussions so that she is never bored with you, and come up with wonderful intimate things that you would like to do with her, as well as asking her what her fantasies are. Laugh a lot at things which go wrong, and be sure to be fun.
Goal free sex is a really good plan to suggest to her, rather than aiming at intercourse and orgasms, simply enjoying the sensations which you feel at the time. If one of you feels you really must have an orgasm, use any means: masturbation with a hand or sex toy, licking and sucking, whatever feels great at the time.
You can use all kinds of turn-ons. Closed circuit television is amazing, In that the screen will show you both in action unlike a mirror can ever do. Other ideas are listening to naughty stories on a CD while you feel each other’s bodies, having sex outdoors in a secluded place, and dressing up and acting out a part. All this spices up your love life.
Sometimes, people want other partners to do the things they cannot do with their own partner – it may be a tennis partner or a fuck buddy with a body which moves, just for a change. There is nothing wrong with this and not being jealous is a virtue that some people manage, whilst others do not.
You are always welcome to call me for a chat on the Sex & Disability Helpline (11am – 5pm weekdays only) on 07074 993 527 or email at sexdis@Outsiders.org.uk
By Tuppy Owens