In our series on disability, sex and relationships, expert and resident agony aunt Tuppy – who runs Outsiders, a private club for disabled people looking for a relationship – answers your questions. This week she talks about being kinky…
Dear Aunty Tuppy
I hope you can help me. I am a kinky man with OI (brittle bones) and a wheelchair user. I am in my early 50s and have become very isolated and lonely. I go bird watching on my own in my car every day, which gets me out of the house now that I’ve been made redundant.
Several of my old friends with the same condition have passed away and I fear I will die never having found a partner who will dominate me sexually. I am using a pseudonym as my elderly parents do not know about my sexual tastes and they don’t realise how desperately I crave a partner.
Other friends are busy with their families and I just have one friend left, who I see from time to time, but he limits our chats and get togethers, because, I think, he finds me dull and depressing.
I have discovered a fetish club nearby and I attend it with the hope of finding someone. I do get whipped by the professional dominatrix when I am there, so it does cheer me up a little.
However, this friendly group of kinky folk are all introduced to newcomers by the organisers at every club night, but I am never introduced to anyone. I feel really sad about this as, of all their guests, I need friends and a lover.
I try to put on a brave face but…
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I am very sorry to hear your story. There is an obvious answer solution though – tell the organisers of the club how you feel. Tell them that you are looking for a partner and that you want them to introduce you to people.
But you also don’t have to limit yourself to one club – you really need to get yourself out there and join lots of clubs. I’d also suggest advertising online on Fetlife, a free social networking site for people interested in BDSM and fetish. It has many disabled members. Perhaps you could find a lively guy on Fetlife who will accompany you to clubs. Being a car driver is a big plus as you can offer people lifts as well as company.
Key here also is confidence. I want to cheer you up so that you come across a jolly chap filled with confidence. I would also suggest you join Outsiders, which has brilliant peer support on anything sexual. It’s a sure fire way to lift your spirits, and you might find some kinky members among the peers.
It would do you good to get a job, I think, even if it’s a voluntary one, as it would boost your confidence. Ideally look for one where you mix with others similar to yourself. How about offering to help out at a fetish club, working on the door for a spell, for example, and perhaps becoming the treasurer.
Another option is to look for a partner who’s not really into the kinky scene, but who would be happy to experiment or whip you in return for you doing something that she really likes.
Whatever way you decide to go, let me give you some tips on finding a partner. When writing your profile online, don’t just talk about yourself, but describe the kind of person you seek. You can include things like wanting a partner who is interested in wildlife and is adventurous. Sound enthusiastic and supportive.
Be honest right from the start about using a wheelchair, but describe it in a positive way by saying what your body is capable of doing.
On an initial meeting or phone conversation, continue in this vein. Make sure you ask her about herself. Most men make the mistake of talking about themselves, but women warm to a man who actually takes an interest in them.
I do hope I have been of help, Daniel, and good luck!
If you’ve got a question for Tuppy and would like her help, please email her: AuntyTuppy@Outsiders.org.uk
Outsiders is a FREE social, peer support and dating club, run by and for socially and physically disabled people. Its members have a wide range of impairments, including visual and hearing impairment.