Relationships & Sex

Disability and sex: using carers and escorts to enable sex

In our continued bid to break down the taboo surrounding sex and disability, we’re sharing a series of sex stories from people with different disabilities about their experiences and what they’ve learnt. Here, Aron Smith, who is quadriplegic and uses a powerchair, opens up about his sex life and how he’s needed to use carers and escorts to enable it.

For me, sex hasn’t always been easy to come by (excuse the pun). It wasn’t until I was 20 and at college that I watched porn for the first time. Until then, I had always lived with my parents, so never had much privacy.

At university, I also had my first long-term relationship with a woman who is also a Powerchair user. We were together for seven years. As we both have reasonably severe disabilities, we were unable to hug each other whenever we liked. Neither of us could get out of our chairs without using a hoist and the assistance of carers.

The best we could usually do on our own was hold hands. On occasion, we were able to touch each other in intimate places. But we couldn’t kiss, and I found that frustrating.

Carers helping with sex

After some time, we decided to ask a couple of our carers whether they would put us on the bed together so that we would hug each other. Thankfully, they were happy to do so. We only asked a few select carers who we got on with best to help us because some others were often prudish.

We had to be arranged on the bed, just right. I laid on my right side with my right arm extended, and my girlfriend lay on her left side, facing me with her head resting on my arm.

Pillows were placed behind us and between our knees to keep us in position. It was an art getting us in the right position, and some carers were better at it than others.

To start with, we would do this fully clothed. But, after a while, we started cuddling naked. Because we both have minimal movement in our limbs, we couldn’t have penetrative sex. Not without any help from carers, and I think we would have both found that a bit awkward.

We did have some touchy-feely fun, which we both enjoyed. My girlfriend did most of the work though as she has better movement in her arm and her hand then I do.

Awkwardness in the bedroom

I found it a bit awkward needing carers to arrange us on the bed naked with them knowing full well what we were planning to do. But I guess there was no alternative, so we just had to suck it up, so to speak.

Two canoodling sessions, in particular, are most memorable, but not for the right reasons.

On the first occasion, we were laying on our sides facing each other. Then, somehow I managed to roll over too much onto my front. Half of my face was planted into the mattress and the other smothered by my girlfriend’s boobs, with a small air pocket through which I could breathe.

Panic started to rise in me. We couldn’t alert the carers because the call button was out of reach, so we just had to wait and hope I didn’t suffocate. Eventually, much to my relief, the carers came back, and I lived to tell the tale (obviously).

You may argue that being asphyxiated by boobs is not a bad way to go – and I agree – but that was not my time!

The second occasion was even worse. We were happily fumbling away on a bed when my left leg started drifting off the side, and I couldn’t bring it back on. This became more and more uncomfortable as my body slowly followed off the side of the bed.

We had pressed the call button, but none of the carers came. We started shouting as well but to no avail. After a while, both my legs were hanging off the side of the bed, which was putting a lot of painful strain on my lower back.

Eventually, I decided that I would be more comfortable on the floor then dangling over the side. I was heading that way anyway, so I thought I might as well speed up the process!

So I shuffled myself and slowly slid off, bum first, onto the floor before flopping sideways against the wall with my arm trapped underneath me. It was still a bad situation, but at least now I only had a dead arm rather than back pain, so that was an improvement!

Eventually, the staff did hear our shouts and came to my rescue. I emerged with only a carpet burn on my elbow, which may have raised an eyebrow the next day.

Using escorts

My girlfriend and I split up about five years ago and, since then, I have dabbled with escorts for my frisky fun. I have met with escorts that are listed on the TLC Trust website and also from Adultwork.com.

My experiences so far haven’t been particularly satisfying though. This is in part because the escorts I’ve seen have been too old for my liking. I didn’t ask their age beforehand, so probably my fault. But they have all been friendly though, which helped to dispel my nervousness.

I’ve mostly been experimenting with different kinks in these sessions to try and work out what I like and don’t like. So far though, I have mostly found things that I don’t like. But by process of elimination, I will reach the promised land one day!

I only see escorts in hotels when I visit London for a night or so. Unfortunately, this tends to be only once or twice a year at most because it’s expensive.

To spend one night in a hotel for me and my carer costs more than £100, and the escort costs a further £300. Plus, there is the cost of petrol if we are driving or the train ticket, which would be about another £100.

Getting an escort at home would be easier and cheaper, but that is complicated because I live with my parents. I wouldn’t be able to have an escort over without them knowing about it, and that would be too awkward. If I lived on my own, then it would be a lot easier.

So, unfortunately, it’s not that easy for me to get a bit of the old slap and tickle. But hopefully, one day, it will be more achievable…

By Aron Smith

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