Relationships & Sex

Top tips for enjoying sex, no matter what your disability

Every adult should be able to enjoy sex, whether they’re disabled or not. So we’ve asked our sex and relationships expert Tuppy – who runs Outsiders, a private club for disabled people looking for a relationship – about the best types of sex toys and pleasuring techniques for people with a wide range of disabilities.

Everyone is different, particularly when it comes to their disability. So the sex toys and methods that suit one person might not be right for the next. But to give you some ideas and to help you get started, below I’ve listed the ways in which different people can use sex toys and practices to pleasure themselves.

Hopefully, it will help you to discover exactly what works for you.

Sex toys

  • Some sex toys can be started, stopped, and turned up or down by your computer, phone or music system.
  • Some disabled people can orgasm with a vibrating snake-shaped toy wrapped around their genitals.
  • Bean bags, on which you can lie on your front and have a toy placed into position, can be useful if you have limited movement.
  • Some men use a vibrator held in place on a wall using a suction pad.
  • People with spina bifida are sometimes allergic to latex and need to use silicone sex toys (and condoms). If you have spina bifida, or other allergies that mean you can’t use latex, information can be found on Immune Web – Support and Information Network.
  • Most men with spina bifida can’t orgasm from stimulation of the penis, and so need to stimulate the prostate (or other erogenous zones). Prostate stimulators can be readily found online.
  • Some disabled men have told me that they like to use electrostimulation, where they are stimulated with small electronic pulses. This also has the advantage of being hands-free if set up in advance, and is ideal if you wake up in the night horny and don’t want to wake up your care team for assistance.
  • Some male members of Outsiders rave about the Cobra Libre 2, a silicone male vibrator.
  • A female Outsiders member told me: “Love Honey sells a ‘finger bullet‘ clitoral stimulator that hooks around your finger, which is perfect for limited dexterity with or without a partner.”
Cobra Libre 2 sex toy
Cobra Libre 2 sex toy

A colleague of mine called Francesca Cross is starting a sex toy website, which will also have a shop in London. The aim is for it to be inclusive – for all genders, sexualities and bodies. She tells me: “Basically, when talking to disabled people about how they want to shop, overwhelmingly the feedback has been that they just want to be able to use the same services as everyone else – not have to use a special ‘other’ resource just for disabled people.

So although I want the shop to provide specialist information for those that need it, I think it should be right there with everything else. The website is called The Pleasure Garden and it will go live this month”

Next week I’ll be publishing a follow-up article on the top sex toys, ideal for a range of disabled people.

Techniques for different disabilities

Spinal injury and quadriplegia

If you’re a woman and have a spinal injury, you can use the Vegus nerve (the longest nerve running from the brain through the rest of the body) to orgasms. Stimulation of your her cervix with a vibrator could work, too.

If you’re a man and are spinally injured, you could try a strong vibrator or a Ferticare sex toy (pictured below).

Ferticare sex toy

You may also find that you can orgasm by the stimulation of an erogenous zone above your level of injury e.g. the nipples, nape of the neck or earlobes. You may need to amplify how much pressure is used to feel the sensations.

If you’re quadriplegic, you may only be able to orgasm from stimulation of the nape (back) of the neck or earlobe. But if someone perseveres with you, they can usually find the right sensitive spot.

Masturbation without sex toys

Not everyone enjoys using sex toys. But that doesn’t mean can’t orgasm or enjoy your body.

Breathwork, as well as moving sexual energy around the body, can bring a hands-free, full-bodied orgasm, whether you’re male or female. You might like to be massaged whilst this is happening, too.

Barbara Carrellas explains about breathwork and tantric practices on her website. She also demonstrates it in the video below – How to Have a Breath and Energy Orgasm aka Thinking Off. It may seem a little out there for some, but why not give it a go – what have you got to lose?

You could also hire a Tantric massager or a sex worker – experts who can stimulate more than one erogenous zone at once, for example, the clitoris and the nipples, or the penis and the prostate gland. They can also build you up slowly to a climax and to enjoy the gorgeous feelings of getting more and more turned on and excited.

It’s worth noting, that if you haven’t orgasmed recently, you may need two orgasms – the first being just a release and the second explosive, sensational and satisfying.

Do also remember that you can enjoy positive self-pleasuring without focusing on orgasm – simply exploring your body leisurely feeling lingering sensations. This might bring endorphin highs or simply allow you to learn about and reclaim your body.

Just as partnered sex is not all about intercourse and orgasms, so too masturbation can be much more than just making you climax, but also dwelling on the pleasure and feeling of being in charge of your body. Masturbation can allow exploration of sexual responses to ideas and sensations. Enjoy your fantasies and don’t be afraid of them.

Look out for Tuppy’s round-up of the top sex toys for people with disabilities, going live next week.

By Tuppy Owens

Outsiders is a FREE social, peer support and dating club, run by and for socially and physically disabled people. Its members have a wide range of impairments, including visual and hearing impairment.

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