We want to break the taboo around talking about sex and disability. Everyone, no matter what their disability or health condition, should be able to enjoy sex and pleasure. That’s why we’re starting a series of sex stories from people with different disabilities about their experiences and what they’ve learnt.
Here is the second part of our first story about adjusting your sex life after becoming disabled by thinking outside the box and using a bit of imagination.
I’m Paul Grainger and I talked in my previous article about how my disabled wife Heather and I had to adjust our sex life after I suffered a stroke. What I didn’t tell you was exactly how we went about doing that.
First, a quick reminder about our situation. Heather had her leg amputated below the knee as a child due to sepsis, while I suffered a stroke shortly after we got married in mid-life.
It makes things interesting in the bedroom. Heather struggles with certain positions, while I have been left with erectile dysfunction, making penetrative sex impossible.
However, in spite of (or because of?) our impairments, we both have very high libidos and were determined not to throw our sex lives in the bin.
A little research showed us that our sex life could continue didn’t have to become boring. There are so many things you can do if you think outside the box. Here are just a few…
Erotica
Firstly, erotica – both reading and writing it. I was a journalist for nearly 30 years and have always enjoyed writing erotic fiction.
One of our favourite ways to spend a couple of hours is for Heather and me to invent a sexual scenario – the wilder, the better. I then write it up into a story while Heather waits expectantly, wearing one of her sexiest outfits from our ‘sex box’. Finally, we act it out as best we can.
I’ve written stories about us having sex in our secluded garden, us acting out light BDSM, mutual masturbation and sex while blindfolded. The latter is particularly good as it’s tantalising not knowing which body part of your partner’s body you will find next – the list is endless.
Read our previous article on why BDSM can allow anyone disabled to enjoy sex.
Showering together
Secondly, we love taking long sensual showers together. We have a sit-down shower because I have post-stroke balance issues.
There is nothing better than me sitting in the shower with Heather on my lap, her boobs on my chest as we lather each other with gel and the water pours down on top of us.
Creating a sex box
Thirdly, our ‘sex box’. It contains a huge range of sex toys, including giant dildos, tiny vibrators, anal beads, strokes, lube, blindfolds, handcuffs, paddles and whips – we’ve got it all.
Heather loves handcuffing me to the bedposts and pleasuring me with oral for hours, while running her hands (and her breasts) all over my body. If I do cum on occasion, that’s great. If I don’t, we never beat ourselves up about it, we’ll just do something else instead.
Read our ultimate guide to sex toys to help you enjoy sex, no matter what your disability.
Being naked together
Fourthly, naked hugs. We all know, disabled or otherwise, that there will be moments when we’re just not in the mood for wild sex.
But having an active sex life needn’t mean making sure the doors are locked, the kids or pets are out, that the phone won’t ring or you won’t get unexpected callers.
What’s wrong with just taking five minutes before you start your day to have a naked hug in the bathroom or bedroom? Just touching or smelling the odour of your partner?
We started doing this about six months ago and now our day isn’t complete if we don’t start with a naked hug. Indeed, if one of us forgets, the other will make sure it happens!
Not putting pressure on ourselves
Lastly, we try to not put pressure on ourselves. During a sex session, if I haven’t cum or we have had to change position because one is tricky for Heather, it doesn’t matter.
What matters is that we have enjoyed a wonderfully life-affirming morning – something that not enough couples, able-bodied or otherwise, do often enough.
It’s sometimes easier said than done, but the more we can remember that, the better we’ll feel.
By Paul Grainger
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