Relationships & Sex

Disability and sex: a beginners guide to a more adventurous sex life

In our series of articles on dating, relationships, love and sex, Mik Scarlet explores how to make your sex life more adventurous, disability or no disability – sexuality and desire applies to everyone. So read on to see how to make your sex life more 50 Shades of Scarlet. 

With the release of the 50 Shades of Grey movie after the huge success of the book, the whole idea of being adventurous in the bedroom is taking the world by storm. However, for many people spicing up their sex life can be daunting, especially if they have a disability. Now I’m no Christian Grey, not by any means, but here’s my take on the best ways to turn a grey sex life a shade of scarlet.

In any long term relationship, and a few shorter ones for that matter, there comes a time when you feel the need to turn up the heat in the bedroom. But it can be difficult to know where to start. I feel that it is best to begin slowly in a way that isn’t too challenging, and nothing beats a bit of role play.

Making sex an occasion and creating a story to go with your passion can really get the juices flowing. All you have to do is find a story that tickles your fancy. For example, one partner could be a hitch hiker and the other could offer them a lift – all this takes is a drive round the block. Or there’s the ‘meeting in a bar for the first time’ fantasy, which can easily be arranged with a visit to your local pub. Or how about the sexy neighbour popping round for a cup of sugar, which simply involves one partner knocking on the front door dressed all sexy. Role play does need a bit of imagination, but whether you have a fantasy (or not). it’s worth giving it try.

Part of role play can also involve dressing up, and you don’t have to create a whole scenario to dip into a dressing up box. From sexy underwear through to a more elaborate outfit, dressing up can be loads of fun. Find something you both think is hot, something that’s not just the conventional ‘sexy’ get up. For example, it might be greasy mechanic or flirty office worker.

For easy dress up ideas like this, you just need to raid your wardrobe and dress to impress. This is part of the fun of dressing up, let your imagination run riot. Of course as well as the role play element of dress up, the actual material can be key. Whether you have a thing for rubber, leather, nylon, lace or all of the above, it’s all out there for you to put on and get jiggy in.

Take dressing up/role play a step further and you arrive at fetishism. This can be misunderstood, but put simply, it basically involves finding something sexy in itself. So let’s say rubber for example, which can look and feel great, but for some it is more than just that, it’s a turn on. You may not know this until you’ve tried it on, or felt it on someone else. Or you may have harboured a secret desire to try something. So go on, give it try.

All fetishism is really is turning this risqué stuff up a notch. Another element of fetishism is bondage and sadomasochism (BDSM). This is what the whole 50 Shades phenomenon focuses on. It can be as simple as a bit of spanking or tying each other up, all the way through to building your own dungeon and going all in.

It also has strong elements of role play and dress up, and can also be a part of other fantasies. Why can’t your sexy office worker want to be tied up too? If you want to give BDSM a go, I would advise you do a bit of research first as it’s always better to be safe. Don’t worry though, as there are loads of how to guides online.

Now so far I’ve kept my advice pretty broad and applicable to everyone, disabled or not. Although I tried to explore whether there are any specific tips for disabled people or their lovers, to be honest, I don’t think there is much difference when it comes to sexuality. Take the whole sexy nurse/sexy doctor fantasy for example. Some disabled people find it a real turn on, while others shudder at the thought. But that is the same for the rest of society.

Sex is such a personal thing and so our experiences as disabled people may impact on our fantasies, but I feel that sometimes there is too much focus put on any differences. Sex feels great, and is the some of the best fun you can have with your clothes off or on, disabled or not.

Of course there are some impairments that have an impact on your sexuality. If you have chronic pain you might find the idea of some S&M a bit less sexy than most, although you may also find it allows you to have sex in a way you have never experienced before as it allows you to be in control of the pain you are feeling.

If you have nerve damage to your sexy bits, you might have to experiment with finding new ways to enjoy yourself. I explored these in my article sex tips from a sexy crip here on Disability Horizons.

There are other benefits to being disabled when it comes to sex too. If you are a wheelchair user then you have the best bit of mobile bondage gear available to you, with so many fixing points you may lose count. Many of us have easy access to medical stuff, like rubber gloves or sheets, stuff that many sexual adventurers would have to spend a fortune on.

The key thing to remember is that all of this experimenting in the bedroom should be consensual. It is vital that you talk to your partner before you even consider a walk on the wild side and that you both agree about what direction your adventures might take. Whatever you do decide to try out, it should be fun and leave you both with a smile on your sweaty faces. So good luck and have fun.

For more tips about sex, love and relationships check out my vlog – Mik Scarlet’s Vlog. If you have a specific question and you think I might be able to help, then contact me either through Disability Horizons, or at my advice column on Enhance the UK’s Love Lounge

By Mik Scarlet

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