In our series on disability, sex and relationships, expert and resident agony aunt Tuppy (who runs Outsiders – a private club for disabled people looking for a relationship) answers your questions. This month, pleasuring …
Dear Aunty Tuppy,
I am a 31 year old quadriplegic living with my PAs and I have started dating a young man who I find very attractive. He has a hidden disability and is very accepting of my impairments.
I would like to know what pleasures I can expect to enjoy when I go to bed with him? He has asked me already, and I had to confess I am a virgin and quite ignorant on these matters. He is physically quite able to do stuff to arouse me but, the other question I have for you is: how do I please him?
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Firstly, I would like to say that you both might be more relaxed if you were certain that neither of you have any sexually transmitted diseases so get checked. You won’t need checking if you’ve had absolutely no sexual contact with anyone. Agree to be totally honest with each other. Mostly people will be honest if you show no signs of jealousy or possessiveness.
The wonderful thing about sex is that people can explore and find out for themselves what feels great, so be sure to share how you both feel about what is happening. I guess you are savvy on autonomic dysreflexia and how to deal with it, as it can be brought on by sexual arousal. Explain this to him.
Forget everything you’ve heard about sex – there is no need to aim for what able-bodied people supposedly do. Disabled people benefit from enjoying goal-free sex, where you dwell in pleasure of the moment, rather than rush or feel you’re on a journey to something better.
Your question comes at a great time, because a book has just come out called Touch – the Science of Hand, Heart and Mind by David J. Linden. It has a whole chapter on sexual touch. I have known about most of his knowledge before but it was great to see it so neatly packaged. One important thing for you is that the Vagus nerve, which comes from the brain but not through the spinal cord, goes to the vaginal wall and cervix, which is situated at the end of your vagina. Thus, your partner could penetrate you (with the use of lubricant as you may not lubricate naturally) and his penis could stimulate you to give you an orgasm. Alternatively, he could use his fingers or a penis-shaped vibrator inside you.
Other places where you can feel pleasure, and perhaps experience orgasm, are the area just above the level of your injury, the nape of your neck and your ear lobes. These are your sensitive erogenous zones. He can make love to your entire head.
Another ways to experience pleasure and even orgasms is through breathing together, perhaps with growls (the vagus nerve passes through the voice box) – see Mitch Tepper’s films online and another on Youtube by Barbara Carellas. Mitch, who is also tetraplegic, tells me he is helped to achieve orgasm this way by being massaged at the same time by few people!
Remember to keep talking and swapping notes on what is happening, but if one of you is approaching orgasm (breathing deeply and ‘off on one’), they should not be distracted.
Your boyfriend will no doubt get off on seeing your lovely feminine form and by having sex with you without you having to do anything at all, but to contribute, you can use your voice. Saying sexy things, telling him how wonderful he is, and how great you feel, would be a turn-on. You can even ‘direct’ the sex using your voice, becoming a domme, sub or whatever fantasies you both enjoy. Carol Queen’s book Exhibitionism for the Shy has plenty of tips.
You can ask him to take your hands and move them over his body to receive the pleasures he likes. Soon you’ll be able to tell him what to do. He can place his erection inside your mouth and you can lick, suck and provide saliva to lubricate it, and maybe even nibble a little. Men with foreskins sometimes like them nibbled above the shaft.
You could also lick his arse, nipples and of course, kiss to your heart’s content. So many things to do! Enjoy!
By Tuppy Owens