In our series on disability, sex and relationships, expert and resident agony aunt Tuppy – who runs Outsiders, a private club for disabled people looking for a relationship – answers your questions. This week she talks about getting access to sex workers.
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Dear Aunty Tuppy
I am a middle aged man with motor neurone disease (MND) and, as I have realised my time is short, I want to make the most of it. Sadly, the condition started when I had just divorced and I doubt that a new partner will want me now, although I am ever hopeful!
As I have always been a horny guy and me and my mates were always searching crumpet, I want to be able to still enjoy sex.
The Motor Neurone Disease Association have been supportive in general, but the staff don’t seem to approve of sex workers, saying that people with MND are ‘too vulnerable’ to enjoy sex workers! My carers have respected their wishes, and so this leaves me high and dry, so to speak.
I wonder if you could think of any way for me to find a woman to look after my sexual needs?
By the way, my mate is secretly typing this for me as I cannot do it myself. The carers don’t know.
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I am aware of this block the MND Association has and am battling against it. I have reminded them that it is illegal not to support a disabled person when it comes to enjoying the same pleasures that other people enjoy in the privacy of their own homes. I also sent them this quote from a sex worker, who is listed on my TLC website:
“You cannot be closed emotionally to clients with life limiting impairments. My time with a client I lost to Motor Neurone Disease declined rapidly into a world with no speech, and I couldn’t help but feel his frustration.
The only thing I could do was to show him that I was more than just a working girl, and that he was more than just a client. In the end, he became a person I could share my personal life with. When the time came and he passed away, and even now as I write this, I shed tears for him.
To watch a human life ebb away knowing there was nothing I could do was a painful,heart wrenching episode in my life. 18 months on I still miss him. I have a picture of us together and I treasure it. I will never forget him. He was a kind and gentle soul, my love for him could never be replaced… I attended his funeral and he left me a small reminder of the fun we had by ordering drum and bass to be played as his parting music.”
This is very moving account of how sex can bring so much more than just an orgasm, but confidence and a feeling of worth-fullness for the person. As such the MND Association has since reconsidered their advice.
However, even though it does not rule sex work out, it is not exactly enthusiastically recommending it either, nor making it easier for people with MND to find responsible sex workers. Sorry, I did my best!
But instead I have several suggestions. It’s disappointing that other people are controlling how you spend your money and enjoying the life that is left for you. Have you tried reasoning with your carers or can your mate try?
If reasoning will not help, can you change your carers to people who respect your values and lifestyle? I know, for example, that the sex worker who wrote the above had to wash her client before she left, as his carers refused to wash him after he had enjoyed sex! You need someone who is open to it and doesn’t disapprove, for whatever reason.
If you can, advertise for carers who will ‘support you in your life, not their version of your life’.
Otherwise, could your mate organise a sex worker to come to you? I don’t know where you live – hopefully not Northern Ireland or a place where the buying of sex is now illegal?
The TLC Trust has wonderful women listed – they would look after you, do as you wanted and be gentle and patient. If there is nobody near you, you can do a reverse booking on AdultWork – you put an advert for what you want, and where, and they’ll get in touch with you. There are thousands of professionals there so I’m sure your mate could find you a somone.
I hope this helps to change things around for you.
By Tuppy Owens